Hiding in the school toilets

Hiding in the school toilets is common for us socially anxious ones. So what's going on? This is from my personal journal. I hope it helps give some insight to parents or helps another young girl to feel seen, heard and less alone. I see you.


"Hands clammy, pressing hard against the cold pale blue walls of the cubicle. I can't smell anything, everything is clenched in my chest. Like a tight rock of muscle, my heart is pushing against my ribs and my insides.


Breath has stopped but it feels like a cry needs to come out of my mouth. Yet it is imprisoned, my throat will not allow the sound to pass. It mustn't be heard. It's not "normal". We don't know anyone else who would ever do this so don't show and don't tell!


My brow is furrowed deep as the battle between my inner and outer world collide inside this shell called 'body'.


Better pull yourself together and get back out there says the strict voice in my head. I put on the mask of the character that I am playing. I've had a breather from the chaos so it's time to get back out there. I can taste the salty tears on my top lip and quickly wipe my face to brush off any trace of truth.


My mind races but my face is the Mona Lisa. Perfectly calm, small smile, who would even know what is behind the painted character they see. I've done a good job, well done, keep going.


I drop my gaze and acknowledge the outfit this character wears - black blazer, crisp white shirt smelling faintly of chinese cooking and grease. Red and black stripes of a tie disappear into the V of the jacket lapel.


OK, time to go. Listen carefully to the teacher. Hope they don't notice me so I don't have to speak. Maybe, if I sit as still as possible, they won't even see me..."