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Why can’t I do what everyone else seems able to do? Why can’t I do what I used to be able to do? I’m such a bad parent. What’s wrong with me/my child? I’ve spent all this money and I haven't made use of the item. There's too much mess and I’m not able to get on top of it.
At one time or another, all of our self-talk could have resembled the above from our inner critics — especially the undiagnosed neurodivergents who don't know their brains are wired differently — because we feel ashamed that we are not able to do things the same as or be as organised and "together" as others.
Let me tell you: SHAME is the one big consistent reason why clients are worried about allowing people into their homes and lives to help them.
Not only are they worried about being judged by others, but they are also judging themselves internally, at times to the point of a trauma response being triggered.
Every feeling and behaviour has a positive intent and often the emotion or feeling is trying to keep us safe.
Shame keeps us "safe" by not allowing us to expose and share parts of ourselves with others who may judge and criticise us for not being good enough. We neurodivergents can feel really rejected this way.
The trouble with undealt with shame is that it holds us back from asking for and accepting help. It stops us from feeling well and good about ourselves. It makes life quite miserable.
There is no shame in being neurodivergent.
There is no shame in recognising your weaknesses or personal challenges.
There is no shame in being smart or picking things up quicker than most people you know.
There is no shame in asking for help.
We were and still are being told the wrong thing by society and even our parents. Yes, we have to expose ourselves vulnerably to someone else in order to face our shame.
But once that shame is exposed, it changes. It lessens its grip, it softens. It dissolves.
But still, we have to take that first brave step to face what we are ashamed of. And it needs to be with a person we feel safe with. You have to see it for what it really is and then, it begins to lose its power over you.
Personal share:
When I was a kid at school I remember not being able to speak sometimes to answer my teacher’s question (situational mutism — too much focus and attention on me made me shut down)
It also happened as an adult later on, when I got a rollicking by my boss in public (in a massive open-plan office) for missing one thing out of the thousands of things I hadn’t missed.
For me, it was when I was exposed to internalised criticism or outer criticism in public that the shame and embarrassment hit.
Those traumatic events stayed in my subconscious, in my nervous system and in my cells.
It has only been in the last 2-5 years that the deep shameful feelings from childhood were finally cleared because they were so well hidden from view. I am 47 now, so I hope that puts things into perspective on how long these events may have been well hidden from view. I have worked with many spiritual teachers, mentors and coaches so I know there are always more and more layers to lift but we can get to the roots of the weeds eventually.
I was fortunate enough to find the right person with the right tools to draw out the events and heal the shame for good.
I wish the same for you. May you be able to release any shame that is stuck or lingers.
Thinking of working with me but not sure how just yet?
I’ve got a “Simple Guide to Understanding and Supporting your Neurodivergent Self (or Loved Ones)” free email series you can sign up to.
The series of 5 emails equips you with video, audio, and other tools that are designed to take you from feeling anxious and overwhelmed to calm and clear. You'll also get weekly insights into life on the neurodiversity spectrum to further help you understand yourself (or your loved ones).
If you are feeling ready to explore coaching with me, book a discovery call with me here.
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